So, how did this end? About six months after this process my husband showed up and said he had the divorce papers. My knees buckled. But, after shifting his legs about a million times, he looked me right in the eyes and said “I think we should throw them away?” (He later told me he never filed them, although I’m not sure I believe this.)
I tried not to show my excitement or pump by arm in a silent yes. My new behavior was second nature to me now, so I basically told him filing was never my decision in the first place, but I agreed things were going very well.
A few months later, we reconciled as a married couple. But between that time and this, we’ve moved onto talking in depth about where things went wrong so this doesn’t happen again. (You absolutely have to do this, BUT not until you’re firmly on solid ground again. You have to make sure you are ready for this). And, you need to whatever you can to make yourself happy. This is vitally important.
You need to make sure your spouse knows that you value and encourage his own happiness as well. (Often, “falling out of love” means somewhere, some way, someone became lost track of how to do and experience the things that make them happy. Or, they notice their partner has.)
That was, at least in my mind, ions ago, and we have a beautiful baby boy. Those months are kind of a blur that I never want to repeat, but I can honestly say we are very solid now, and actually better for having gone through it. Having honest discussions and checking in on our marriage consistently is a real gift. We have a very strong marriage that I believe in with my whole heart. We work together, raise our son together, and are very good friends. I work on my own happiness constantly and am better (and more content) for it. My hubby knows all about Waserman’s book and is grateful I had it at the time. We actually laugh about it now. When we disagree he’ll laugh and go “Oh, no. She’s grabbing the book.” However, he kind of prefered the “The Magic Of Making Up” (and would probably like Mend the Marriage since both authors are guys who pegs guys beautifully. My hubby would rather take relationship advice from a man, I guess.
If you’re wondering, here’s how the books differ.
Waterman’s saving your marriage is more helpful if you see your relationship flying off the rails and want to stop that dangerous slide. She’s also extremely helpful in aiding you in avoiding
pitfalls, common mistakes, that can kill a marriage / fuel a divorce and offers checklists, exercises, examples, etc so that you can “check-in” with yourself and your relationship to make sure both are happy. My girlfriends love her book. By and large, this is sort of a touchy /
feely program that appeals more to women. She is most definitely a marriage and relationship expert that will tell it to you straight, but she always has your own LONG TERM happiness in mind. Oh, how I wish I had this book BEFORE things went sour. It would’ve saved so much turmoil.
But, if I were to compare the two books, I’d say there’s less “game-playing” in this one. She’s big on self-respect and your own happiness as ways to draw someone else to you. Her book is very good on maintenance once you get back to where you want.
Mend Your Marriage is more for folks whose relationship is ALREADY sour and one person is trying desperately to get some foothold or “in” to get the spouse back (or at least get them talking again.) Unfortunately,
because I did not read yet Waterman’s info, I needed this one because by the time I got my act together, my husband already sort of thought I was damaged and acting
irrationally. The “mend your marriage” methods are completely laid out for you. And you wonder how you missed them with all of your drama because they make so much sense. Yes, it requires some faith, but truly, in order to have a chance to get back a truly healthy LONG TERM relationship, you have to level the playing field.
One partner can not be seen by the other as a doormat or weakling. If that’s the case, the same issues will keep right on popping up until eventually, you can’t reign it back in.
Mend Your Marriage’s “marriage killers” are eye opening and you will realize you’ve likely done them all. If you need to pull out all the stops, this one’s for you. (But make sure you understand where it went wrong so it doesn’t happen again.) He also offers examples of where people most often go wrong along the path of reconciliation so you don’t keep getting in your own way.
Here’s the best advice I can give, at least from where I stand and again, I’m certainly no expert (and I’ve admitted I lucked into all this.) But, from my perspective, I know that this can be very painful – but do not beg, promise you’ll change, promise your ex your undying love on a silver platter or put your life on hold because of the situation. I know this feels right sometimes and you feel like you have to fix this immediately, but it is not and you don’t (at least according to how it played out here).
All of these things will potentially make you more unattractive to your spouse / ex and he or she will only want to flee more. Don’t follow him / her around or text and email constantly or remind him / her of old times. Because this too looks desperate and he /she will get tired of hearing it and will want to stop the noise (which means moving further from you.)
You absolutely have to stop any desperate, demeaning behavior (though it’s totally normal and understandable). It gives your power away and deteriorates the relationship further.
Negotiating and begging when your position is already compromised is a losing game. So, instead, you ACT as if you are determined that you are going to be just fine. You are going to see old friends, take up old hobbies and enjoy your solo time. This is going to be difficult at first, but you must do it. Don’t ask about your partner’s activities and don’t volunteer yours.
But, be friendly, casual, and matter of fact, as though you are just rolling with the punches and moving on as best you can. You want to create the happy go lucky, light-hearted version of yourself that your partner first fell in love with. This is vital.
No, I’m not an expert but thankfully I found a few. What I’ve given you is the tip of the iceberg, but this will get you started and give you an idea of where I am going. Both books can give you much more concrete information and both offer some freebie, which you can see on the sidebar of this blog.
Just for today, try something new – especially if what you’re doing hasn’t been working or just makes you feel worse than who you know you are. Good luck! Never give up, you deserve to be happy, but sometimes you have to know how to play the game and that’s a learned skill.
Filed under: My Happy Ending by admin
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I’ll assume if you are reading this, you already know or suspect that you really do want to save your marriage. Maybe you have kids. Maybe you remember how it used to be. Maybe you realize that moving from one household to two permanently would be both emotionally and financially devastating.
